


i'm not crying (it's just dust in my eyes)

by OMGTHEFEEL



Series: crying is a healthy alternative [2]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: AU, Angst, Deleted Scenes, Drabbles, Fluff, Gen, M/M, extra scenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-19 14:30:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20322025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OMGTHEFEEL/pseuds/OMGTHEFEEL
Summary: Jiyong feels so weak against Seungri. He wants to give him the world, promise to protect him forever.Seungri looks at him and Jiyong crumples.*Deleted scenes from sweat from my eyes (are called tears).





	1. a little afterwards that didn't fit

**Author's Note:**

> people wanted deleted scenes on aff but compiled in breaks. the fools, don't they know i'm a perfectionist?? that's why i'm posting them chapter by chapter here on ao3 so that i'm not tempted to keep the scenes buried until i can fatten them up.

**a little afterwards that didn't fit: **

Seungri nods as he looks down to where his fingers were intertwined with Jiyong's.

Jiyong feels his heart get heavier, and he's keenly aware that they're standing so close to one another that he could lean over and kiss Seungri if he wanted; he almost does, but he remembers, at the very last second, that he shouldn't.

"Sorry, I forgot you don’t like hugs," Jiyong says and he moves to disengage himself, but Seungri doesn't let him.

"Please don’t let go," Seungri breathes, ever-so-softly. "Not yet, please hyung."

Jiyong feels so weak against Seungri. He wants to give him the world, promise to protect him forever.

Seungri looks at him and Jiyong crumples. "Okay, okay," he says. "We'll be okay. I'm not going anywhere." 

Later Jiyong will replay the hug over and over again in his head. The way Seungri clung onto him desperately and the tremble in his voice as he asked him not to let go will be seared into Jiyong's mind forever, and as his squad welcomed him back into the army, Jiyong desperately hopes he managed to help Seungri feel better. 

(Jiyong tries his best not thinking about wanting to go back and do all the things he promised not to do or think about until they were retired.

He also tries his best not think about Seungri being retired and what that meant in regards to his promise.)


	2. a flashback that seemed redundant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiyong stifled a sob, and clawed himself onto Seungri's lap, and buried his face into Seungri's shoulder. He was shaking, shuddering and trembling in Seungri's arms, a violent storm in a bottle, and Seungri had thought he would break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> felt like i was opening a whole'nother box of worms if i added this in

**a flashback that seemed redundant:**

_ "They hate me," Jiyong said, hysteria underlining each word, and then he smiled, looked up at Seungri with bright bright bright eyes. He gripped his fingers around Seungri's jacket. "They told me BIGBANG should go and rot. They told me I should kill myself." Seungri didn't know what to say.  _

_ "I'm sorry," Seungri replied, and watched as the wet sheen in Jiyong's eyes twisted, as the wild anger devoured itself and turned into a simmering sadness; helplessness. "That sort of thing shouldn't happen to anyone."  _

_ "I'm sorry," Jiyong gasped out, his eyes were squeezed shut, tears slipping down. He laughed, it's harsh, and choked, and sends chills down Seungri's spine. "I did this, you should hate me too. BIGBANG should go on without me, I'm so sorry. I should just die. They were right." _

_ "No, hyung, no, no, no," Seungri repeated, desperate. "You did nothing wrong." And when Jiyong shook his head, refused to look at him, Seungri grabbed his hands. "Hyung, please- don't you dare say that again. BIGBANG is nothing without you. BIGBANG is five remember? You're not going anywhere without us. We're not going anywhere without you." _

_ Jiyong stifled a sob, and clawed himself onto Seungri's lap, and buried his face into Seungri's shoulder. He was shaking, shuddering and trembling in Seungri's arms, a violent storm in a bottle, and Seungri had thought he would break. _

_ "Hyung," Seungri said. "Hyung, please be okay." And Seungri knows it's not fair that he's asking this of him, but Seungri doesn't know what to do besides begging. Seungri doesn't know how to fix him. "Hyung, it's not fair. It's not fair but it's going to be okay. Just stay. Just breathe. Hyung, please. Stay." _

_ 'I never want to see Jiyong look that helpless again', _ Seungri remembers thinking. Well, look at him now. Seungri barks a laugh, bitter and humorless. Look at him now.


	3. if it was seunghyun instead of jiyong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was this when it started? Seunghyun doesn't want to know, not really, if only because he doesn't want to face the truth of it. Their maknae has grown confident over the years, a humble sort-of-confident that sunk into his bones, quiet and glowing, and it was good; more than good. But Seunghyun hadn't liked the way he couldn't read his maknae's face anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seunghyun isn't always the best hyung but he tries his best and that's very very good

**if it was seunghyun instead of jiyong:**

Falling into a pool of memories, Seunghyun wonders if this is what it's like to grow old. He feels like an aging tree, its branches low and brushing the ground, its leaves fallen off and turned yellow.

Seunghyun feels like someone's carved him hollow, empty and someday, someone will push against him, and find that the solid tree he makes himself out to be has faded away a long, long, time ago.

"Hi, hyungs! I hope you're all warm wherever you're at right now!" Seungri laughs. His voice sounds bright and carefree, like the dark shadows underneath his eyes are nothing, and he hadn't spent the last few months flying back and forth across the country, chasing after concerts and meetings. "Make sure not to push yourselves too hard, our vips would be sad if you guys got hurt!"

_Take your own advice, idiot! _Seunghyun wants to scream at someone, at himself for not noticing, at Seungri for doing this, at YG for letting him push himself ragged without any care.

Seunghyun breathes and his pulse is even, but there's a ringing in his ear that drowns out everything except for Seungri's voice.

Was this when it started? Seunghyun doesn't want to know, not really, if only because he doesn't want to face the truth of it. Their maknae has grown confident over the years, a humble sort-of-confident that sunk into his bones, quiet and glowing, and it was good; more than good. But Seunghyun hadn't liked the way he couldn't read his maknae's face anymore.

He had gotten used to being able to pick out exactly what their youngest was thinking from the emotions flitting across his face, but now, in this cold hotel room, alone on his bed, Seunghyun thinks he should've tried harder.

Seungri is on screen. He's dancing and joking around, laughing like there is nothing else in the world he'd rather do, and Seunghyun knows— he _knows_ that Seungri isn't as carefree as he looks on screen, but Seunghyun wants to believe in it, just a little, for his own sanity, that Seungri didn't regret staying behind or resent them for leaving him. Regret is heavy in his throat. 

Seunghyun wishes he hadn't— wishes he could turn back time, call more often, reach out more often, not take that fucking hit from— Seunghyun breathes in and clicks on another video.

"Hello! I am Seungri, the maknae of BIGBANG!"

There's no point in wishing for things that won't come true. So Seunghyun sits there and doesn't stop watching. He sits on the cold hotel bed, searching and searching for any sign of sadness on Seungri's face.

He hopes that there is, and hopes that there isn't, and pretends he isn't breaking inside either way. 

_I'm so sorry,_ Seunghyun repeats.

"TOP-hyung was super handsome as always and I— "

_I want to see you,_ Seunghyun whispers. Seunghyun failed his dongsaengs once, and even if they tried to comfort him for it, Seunghyun can't let himself forget that. Seungri needs him now, and Seunghyun— Seunghyun won't let him down. 

He reaches for his phone, scrolls down until he reaches a name, and clicks call. 

"Hello, Taekgu?"

Seunghyun won't fail him this time.

  
  



	4. too dark humor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Seungri drowned, they'd probably make a headline out of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> super short thing i deleted bc it hurt

**too dark humor:**

If Seungri drowned, they'd probably make a headline out of it. Seungri snorts. He could see it now; EX-MEMBER OF BIBGANG, SEUNGRI DROWNS IN OUTDOOR POOL: SUICIDE OR ACCIDENT?

What sells, what goes, what catches your eyes. It doesn’t matter if it’s a lie, honey-sweet clogged in your throat; it doesn’t matter if it’s the truth because a lie distorted is just as good as any truthful confession.

They want something to run after and chew on, something to hate. Something to hunt. Seungri has always been the easiest to hate.


	5. a beginning that was discarded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But Seungri has long since shown weakness, so he figures, it won't matter if he fails at this too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> felt like i was focusing too much on the romance so i backed off *weeps a little* although i don't think it changed anything

**a** **beginning that was discarded:**

"Alright, the outdoor pool is down the hall, on the left. It'll only be you there," the worker reminds him, and Seungri can barely concentrate on her words. "After you finish, you can go straight towards the sauna. Just close your eyes and relax."

Seungri tells himself: make a joke, smile, relax, stop being so serious but his brain feels empty and everything is muted and he wants to just stop thinking.

"I can't," Seungri says, and he sounds more exhausted than he would like to be so he grins and makes it into a joke, forces his mouth into that well-perfected shape. "I don't know how, noona."

"Try," she laughs, airy and humorous, and in any other time, any other year, Seungri might've tried flirting with her because she's a pretty woman with her red lips and soft hair, and Seungri is known for his playboy reputation. 

> ("Own your reputation," Jiyong tells him and slips his fingers between Seungri's in a vice-like grip, and Seungri almost wants to cry, because Jiyong leans against him and he smells like Seungri's cologne and cigarettes and everything he's ever wanted.
> 
> "Reputation?"
> 
> Jiyong nods and leans closer. "You can't show them what you really feel, because that's a weakness and in our industry, it's suicidal to show weakness. Do you understand me maknae? Never show weakness.")

But Seungri has long since shown weakness, so he figures, it won't matter if he fails at this too.


	6. if the kiss had happened a little earlier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'll be fine hyung," Seungri says, promises. "I'm a strong baby aren't I?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm willing to bet that most of y'all were expecting a kiss so here it is

**if the kiss had happened a little earlier:**

"Seungri-ah, maknae-ah," Jiyong sighs dramatically, and he's looking at Seungri from underneath his lashes, from the corner of his eye. It makes something bubble in Seungri's chest, loud and bright and spreading like wildfire down his belly and then to his feet, because something about Jiyong's face makes Seungri want to laugh.

Jiyong's eyes soften, inexplicably.

"Yes, hyung?" Seungri manages, in between bouts of laughter, and Jiyong reaches out to sling an arm around his neck, and Seungri is pulled closer, until his forehead touches Jiyong's. Jiyong smells like cigarettes and cotton candy and Seungri's cologne.

"We're leaving you behind soon," Jiyong says, and Seungri can hear the tiniest bit of sadness in his voice, helpless, like he had thought, against all odds, Seungri would come with them. "Our baby. My baby. All alone."

"I'll be fine hyung," Seungri says, promises. "I'm a strong baby aren't I?"

Jiyong grins up at him, fond and tinged with an emotion Seungri can't name. "Strong baby," he agrees and his mouth is so, so close. Jiyong's eyes drop to his lips. It's hot. 

Seungri knows they shouldn’t be doing this, knows he shouldn't let Jiyong continue to do this because they're Jiyong and Seungri, Leader and Maknae, and maybe sometimes Nyongtory when the crowd wants them to be, but nothing more.

He knows this, but his heart doesn't. 

"Seungri," Jiyong whispers, almost reverently, and when he leans up to kiss him, Seungri doesn't fight him.


	7. a different childhood memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Victory?" Seungri says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh i really, really like this scene and was thinking of using it in another fic but couldn't figure out what so *shrugs* if it pops up again then shhhhhhhhh

**a different childhood memory:**

"Everytime I close my eyes, I can see BIGBANG on stage," Jiyong whispers, Little Seunghyun (Seungri now) tilts his head, blinking up at Jiyong. Jiyong's eyes flicker over to him, and Seungri smiles tentatively, hopeful. "Thousands of golden lights and fans screaming my name, our name."

"Am I there too?" Seungri asks, because Seungri, seventeen and the youngest, knows he's not as skilled as everyone else, not as special as everyone else, and sometimes he wonders if he's really needed at all. 

"Of course you are," Jiyong says, like it's obvious, and Seungri, who knows Jiyong has always preferred Hyungseung can't wrap his head around it. "BIGBANG is five, and you, you're Victory."

"Victory?" Seungri says. 

"BIGBANG will always need Victory," and Jiyong grins, bright and brilliant. "Because we're going to keep winning, from here on out. There's only one way to go, and that's up."


	8. a little retrospection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life doesn't stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me@aff: this could be you

**a little retrospection:**

Life doesn't stop.

Uncaring, unfeeling, unrelenting. All of the promises you made will eventually be forgotten. All of the places you touched get covered with new memories. Your dreams expand as you grow older. Your mistakes become forgotten, your successes are rewritten. 

Life continues to go on.

Some friends will leave, and you'll change when you're alone, but that's okay. You can still survive on you own. The ones who matter come back. The ones who truly care will always find a way. 

You get good at self-reflection. You get good at depending on yourself. You get good at not hating the silence. You reach out. You try new things. You get hurt and fall and get up again. You make good friends. You find new opportunities. You become a new person. 

You are stronger than you were yesterday, and will only continue to grow. 

"You live on," Seungri says, exhales slowly, and then he breathes in. "You'll be okay, as long as you continue to move forward. Step by step. No matter how small, or insignificant it may feel... you'll find a way to live on." 

Seungri closes his eyes and thinks of BIGBANG, of his life so far, of who stayed and who left, and the sound of his hyungs' voices when they called him, and he breathes out. He squeezes his fists, nails biting into his palms— _and_ _it hurts but he can still push through it— _and he smiles, tentatively. Yeah.

He'll be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why am i feeling salty right now, why?? anyways this is^^ real life advice here y'all read'em and weep like i am


	9. a little afterwards and if they actually kissed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungri presses his forehead against Jiyong's to check before he realizes the futility of the action; they were in a sauna after all. Jiyong closes his eyes briefly and his lashes brush Seungri's cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is what i'm sure most of you have been waiting for lmao *tears trickling down my cheeks* i should be doing work

**a little afterwards and if they actually kissed:**

Now that Seungri isn't distracted by the shock of emotions that came with being confronted by one of his hyungs, he is instantly and sharply aware of the body that was pressing a little too close into his. 

They're in the same spot as before— Jiyong's arm around Seungri, Seungri's head buried in the crook of his neck, except Jiyong had opted to drag them down into a sitting position, and Seungri hadn't protested. 

His towel lays on the bench, forgotten, and Seungri's _so glad_ he decided to wear a robe. It would have been nothing Jiyong hadn't already seen before— living in a dorm together and then becoming housemates for years left little secrecy to be held— but the thought of having his reunion with Jiyong half naked made Seungri want to cry all over again; for different reasons. 

Jiyong, on the other hand, seems to have no qualms baring himself, not that he ever did; Seungri has had years of experience witnessing the mess that is Kwon Jiyong, flinging his clothes and dropping down to a t-shirt and boxers whenever he was at home with no shame. But that was ages ago, and this is now. 

"You've lost weight," Jiyong says. He brushes a thumb against Seungri's cheekbones and frowns. "I think I'm fatter than you now." 

Seungri rolls his eyes, "You're still pretty skinny." But it's true, Jiyong has gained weight, enough to soften the sharp edges of his face that were always present. It gave him a softer look, a happier one. "You look cuddlier hyung."

Jiyong snorts, but his eyes curve into happy crescents; bashful. He lifts his hands and cups Seungri's face, pushes against his cheeks until Seungri's mouth is pursed like a fish. Jiyong observes him with curious eyes, intense like he's cataloging every single difference on Seungri's face into his mind.

Seungri can't remember the last time he's had anyone this close to him, and a part of him wants to pull back. Seungri has that instinctive urge to frown, and back away, and pretend he doesn't feel that embarrassed heat rising up in his throat. But another part of him, a more insistent part, wants to lean in closer, wants to sigh, and slide against Jiyong's bare skin, and— 

Seungri thinks the heat might be getting to him. 

Jiyong frowns. "You've lost too much weight, what has Taekgu been feeding you?"

Seungri shrugs. It's all a blur to be honest, he can vaguely remember someone always being nearby to shove food into his mouth, but beyond that, Seungri can't remember. That's probably not healthy.

Jiyong scowls. "You need more food; let's go to the restaurant down the street, I hear the japchae there is good." Jiyong tugs at his arm. "Or we could get curry. Spicy curry, so spicy that it makes you cry again."

"Hyung," Seungri sighs exasperatedly. "You know we can't."

"Bah," Jiyong scoffs and wrinkles his nose. "Who cares what people think."

"You do," Seungri reminds him. "We all do."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Jiyong murmurs, voice high and plainative, but he pouts with deep displeasure. Like a child. Jiyong isn't usually this, Seungri thinks, because the only times Jiyong ever allows himself not to care about how the public will perceive him is when he's sick, exhausted, or drunk out of his mind. 

Seungri presses his forehead against Jiyong's to check before he realizes the futility of the action; they were in a sauna after all. Jiyong closes his eyes briefly and his lashes brush Seungri's cheeks.

"Did you sleep on the way here?" Seungri asks, and Jiyong is quiet for a moment, resembling a child who knew he did something wrong, and he rests his chin on Seungri's shoulder to hide his face. Seungri thinks about the dark circles underneath Jiyong's eyes.

Jiyong huffs, affront, and cold air brushes Seungri's ear. Seungri shivers. "Of course I did," he says. "The army leaves little time for naps, maknae. You learn to catch some sleep whenever you can."

Seungri quirks an eyebrow. 

"No," Jiyong confesses. "I was worried and came as soon as I could."

"Stupid." 

Jiyong smacks him.

"I bet you didn't eat anything either," Seungri says.

"Hah," Jiyong looks triumphant now. "That's where you're wrong maknae! I ate half a biscuit and drank a whole can of peach juice in the car."

This time Seungri smacks him. Jiyong whines.

_He's such a mess,_ Seungri thinks fondly. Twelve years and Jiyong is still the same as ever. Seungri can feel Jiyong's hand fall to his knee, warm and familiar. 

They're both laying on the same bench, with their arms interlocked and legs brushing each other, and if someone were to suddenly peek into the room, the two would never hear the end of it. But for some reason, Seungri can't even bring himself to worry about it. 

It's odd that no one's come in to check on him yet though. He'd have thought Taekgu would at least— wait.

"Did Taekgu know about this?" Seungri asks dryly. All of Taekgu's actions were taken in a different light inside his head; the constant repeating that he wasn't going to be alone, the assurance that he would be okay going inside without him- all of it was so obvious in hindsight. "You two planned this," he accuses. 

Jiyong chuckles. "Guilty," he says with no remorse, and he looks proud too, when Seungri pulls back to raise an eyebrow at him. Jiyong smirks. "I'm sneaky aren't I?"

Seungri laughs, waves of reluctant happiness washing through him. He shakes his head, "You're absolutely ridiculous hyung." 

Jiyong kicks his shin. Seungri hisses.

They stay and soak in the sauna air for a good while, and Jiyong talks about his time in the military— he tells Seungri about the antics the other hyungs and he had a hand in; it involved a rotten apple, a suspicious general, a bucket of water, and a misplaced medal. 

The story was entirely ridiculous and something Seungri could 100% believe had happened, and Seungri is pretty sure he misses half the details distracted by Jiyong's laughter, but he tries hard to listen anyway. 

Seungri's missed this. 

Jiyong goes quiet for a moment and Seungri blinks. 

"Hyung?" 

Jiyong looks at him with conflicted eyes and fluttering lashes, and Seungri shifts forward to sit up, his stomach falling to his feet because _what's wrong, what happened,_ and do something— but he can't. 

He can't because in the next moment, Jiyong leans forward, tilts his chin up, and kisses him. Seungri's breath catches in his throat. Jiyong tastes like the lingering residues of peach juice and smoke and something minty that Seungri can't name. 

He tastes like safety. (He tastes like love.)

Jiyong pulls back just enough so Seungri can catch his breath, but still close enough that Seungri can count the number of sun freckles across his cheeks. 

Jiyong's eyes are full of heat, but there's a hesitance there, a nervousness as he whispers "maknae," and Seungri, without any conscious thought or worry for what this will mean afterwards, leans in and kisses him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last part!! probably!! ah!! leave some comments and kudos *wink wink wink* tell me whatchu feeling

**Author's Note:**

> jiyong pblease think about the childr- *cough* i mean bigbang's future


End file.
